Boy Says: There’s only been one thing on my mind this week; the acronym NRB – No Reason Boner. I’m exercising… WHAM, Boner! Sitting on a bus… WHAM, Boner! Swimming… WHAM, Boner. God I hate swimming with a boner.
Girl Says: For the next four days I will be mostly eating CHOCOLATE COINS. Obviously the best thing about Christmas time. See you on the flip side fatties!! Merry Christmas!!
Boy Says: Pretty fucking early. I remember seeing someone wearing facepaint and thinking to myself, “Where’s his fuckin’ balls”. Then I realised he was about four, so laid off him for a bit. Unless it’s Halloween I would not permit anyone over 60 months of age to wear facepaint. Only exception being wrestlers who, are totally not gay!
While I’m at it, all the so-called guys that wear ‘man-scara’, ‘guy-liner’, straighten their hair and go as far as applying foundation need to re-assess their lives and find their nuts again. YOU ARE NOT KELLY CLARKSON!!! MAN THE FUCK UP!!!!
Girl Says: Even though I’m in my mid twenties and well on my way to being a “proper” grown up, I still regularly wish I could go out with my face all painted up like a tiger or a robot without running the risk of being sectioned. Unfortunately I think face painting becomes more weird than cute from the age of about seven.
Boy Says: although it’s just two middle-class guys rambling on about themselves and the more trivial / hypothetical things in life the Adam and Joe podcast is probably my favourite thing at the moment. Pretty good for making you look like a smug, laughing asshole when you’re walking around in public.
Big British Castle / or find them on iTunes
Girl Says: Super Scrabble this week because nothing makes me more excited than knowing how much trauma I could cause someone by inflicting a motherfucking QUADRUPLE word score on their ass.
Boy Says: God no, unless you’re topping it up with beef jerky, bacon bits, garlic cloves and/or syrup.
Girl Says: Om nom nom nom. I LOVE cereal and would gladly eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But I also love other food too so the cerealfest love-in can only go on for about a weekend at the longest before I’m craving something else and my bowels are screaming “no more roughage!”
Boy Says: here’s the tuppenceworth of a semi-fan. If it was based on talent and ‘The X Factor’ alone Newcastle’s favourite Thunderbird puppet look-a-like Joe seems to be the clear winner, but as the series has proven in the past, it’s all about the dumb – and fickle – ITV viewers.
I really don’t want Olly to win because I hate absolutely everything about him. His ridiculously tight trousers, stupid hats, Topshop clothes, absurd ‘dance moves’, oh-so punchable face and the fact that he always bangs on about being “one of the lads” – we fucking get it, you used to be a regular guy. Oh, almost forgot to mention he’s a pretty crap singer.
Although she’s got a cracking voice (among other things) I really don’t want Stacey the MILF to win, purely for the selfish reason that it will increase my chances of seeing her “earn a living” in mags like Nuts, Zoo or better still, Playboy! Her interviews would be worth the price alone!
Joe for me: on merit and by default.
Girl Says: Every year I say to myself “I’ll only watch the auditions, that’s the only good bit” (which is true) and every year I find myself glued to the telly every Saturday night desperate to see who’s in and who’s out. Cleverly, ITV decided to make the X Factor a two night show this year which means I’ve barely been outside at the weekend since August. Thanks ITV…NOT!
I digress… Of the three that are left (Olly Murs, Stacey Solomon and Joe McElderry), there’s a clear winner, one that’s been my favourite from the start and that’s Olly (Or Mmmmmmurs as I’ve started to call him). Don’t get me wrong, the other two are great singers but you’ve got Stacey who’s nice to look at but can hardly string a sentence together and Joe who is so sickly sweet it hurts. My favourite thing about Joe is that silly little 10 degree head tilt he does during judges comments. If it’s really good feedback it goes to 20 degrees and I fully expect that at some point he’s just going to keel over.
So there you have it. Olly to win. He’s the hottest, he’s got personality, he’s got the moves and he’s everything I could ever want in a popstar who’s albums I’m never going to buy.
Boy Says: although wearing make-up and playing fancy-dress is totally gay, I still envy this dude for having one of the most bad-ass costume ever captured on camera!!!
Girl Says: It’s one of the best children’s books ever. Directed by Spike Jonze. With a Karen O soundtrack. I better not be fucking disappointed!
Boy Says: After consulting Wikipedia I can deduce that ‘Nadine Coyle’ is the one I’d want to have mildly sedated and leashed up in my dungeon. From seeing a few videos fleetingly on the telly I can confidently say that the ginger one’s looking pretty hot these days, she’s fairly done a big image u-turn in the past few years. I know loads of guys think Cheryl Cole’s a babe, but I’ve heard her speak and would rather listen to my ‘Real-life transportation crashes: Greatest Hits’ CD any day – I’d love to see her lines being subtitled on the X Factor.
Girl Says: It’s Sarah Harding. Lovely, lovely, dirty, Sarah.
