Best Contraception?

Boy Says: Last time I was at the clinic getting checked up there was a poster outlining the dozen or so methods that people don’t know much about. What kind of girl wants a metal coil inside her radge? Or worse still, a female condom… you might aswell use a shopping bag! The pill’s obviously the best because you can still get your dick wet    :)    although may catch AIDS    :(     Swings and roundabouts I guess.

While we’re talking about S.E.X. why not try my other personal favourites if you don’t want to get that far with the opposite sex.

On guys:

• Cardigans
• Floppy, messy hair
• Ridiculously coloured skinny jeans (red, aubergine etc)
• Brand new but retro looking band t-shirts,

On girls:

• Frumpy or properly fitting clothes that hide your tits, legs and arse
• Mace
• Rape alarm
• Spikey cup inside vagina, although probably too late by the time that works

Girl Says: For a girl it’s probably the pill because you only have to rely on yourself to take it and then you’ve only got yourself to blame when you find yourself knocked up. You’d be surprised how many guys are just happy to take a girls word for it when she says she’s on the pill though. Gullible idiots! I also give a shit about (and am proud to have never had any) STDs so lets all take a second to just rubber up before hopping in the sack. Unless you know your guy isn’t a cheating asshole or you are trying to start a family (jealous!) then it’s the easiest and safest way to go. And you can get them for free from your local clinic. WIN!

On a side note, Boy Says is totally wrong. If you are a guy wearing skinny jeans, a cardigan and have floppy, messy hair there is a 90% chance I will want to have sex with you.

Meaning of Life (get paid, get laid, don’t die of aids?)

Boy Says: Big question that I won’t pretend to answer, but here’s my rules to not being a dick-head. <serious post alert>

• Don’t take yourself seriously
• Never regret anything, and don’t waste time being a pussy thinking about what could have been
• Have fun, get pissed, take drugs and hump what you can – but be sensible about it.
• Meet as many people as you can while you’re young.
• Never work a job you hate for longer than you have to
• Don’t be a dick with your money
• Have at least one proper hobby

Girl Says: Woah! This a bit deep of a deep one. I used to have this fantasy that the whole world was really just a huge long movie that I was a character in and someone else was directing my every move. But that’s an awful lot like believing in fate which I can’t really buy into.

Basically I reckon life is all about being human, being humane and not going insane. Try as many new things as you can, read books, learn how to effectively manage the shit parts and you’ll be alright.

Cash or Cards

Boy Says: Cash, all the way. On a manly note, what’s better than having a wallet so thick with notes that it looks like a tumor and is uncomfortable every time you sit down?!? Or breaking a £20 for chewing gum? Or having a pocked so full of change that walk like Kaiser Soze and need a jar for your unused coinage? Tell me this!?!?

On a practical (gay) note it also saves purchases actually coming off your card weeks after you’ve bought something, which can severely fuck up our plans for a night out, especially stripper o’clock.

Girl Says: Money is good no matter where you’ve got it. Cards enable you to buy so much more i.e. on the internet but they’re bad when you start paying for drinks that you will forget buying. I know someone who used his card to buy FOUR (count ‘em) champagne lapdances at £250 each then thought he’d had his card stolen when he couldn’t remember a thing about the night.

Personally I like to mix it up. Little bit of cash in my purse, couple of cards for back up. Just remember folks, if you can’t afford it, don’t fucking buy it!

Best Places for a First Date

Boy Says: Possible locations where a first date could lead to gropage (also known as success) in the eyes of a male.
- Rock/Metal gig: nothing better than copping a feel of unsuspecting female crowd surfers: may not be your date though.
- Movie night at my place: “are you kidding, I fucking love the notebook, ghost AND pretty woman, honestly… come round and watch it” Ten minutes later and you don’t even know how my hands made it up your top.
- Bar: if all else fails at least I get shit-faced and try it on with someone else.
- Swimming: may not be the best for groping (seeing as horseplay is not acceptable poolside behaviour) but blacked-out goggles + you in a bikini = strange, boner concealing position in the shallow end for me.

Girl Says: I still haven’t figured out where the best place for a date is but I do know where it’s not.

It’s not bowling. You take turns to stand up and sit down and not really talk much at all. It’s not the cinema (unless you’re 15 and plan to do a whole lot of gropage in the back row). Once again, no talking and if I’ve paid to see a movie I usually want to see it. (If you paid, grope away.)  It’s definitely not crazy golf where the date is likely to end in me battering you to death with the club in a fit of rage.

For me it’s somewhere not too busy (like a club) and not too remote (like the woods where you might try to rape and murder me) and if there is icecream involved then I’m probably already planning our kids names in my head. (HAHA! Just kidding. Not.)

We Like Wednesdays #3

Boy Says: There’s only been one thing on my mind this week; the acronym NRB – No Reason Boner. I’m exercising… WHAM, Boner! Sitting on a bus… WHAM, Boner! Swimming… WHAM, Boner. God I hate swimming with a boner.

Girl Says: For the next four days I will be mostly eating CHOCOLATE COINS. Obviously the best thing about Christmas time. See you on the flip side fatties!! Merry Christmas!!

At what age does it become unacceptable to wear facepaint?

Boy Says: Pretty fucking early. I remember seeing someone wearing facepaint and thinking to myself, “Where’s his fuckin’ balls”. Then I realised he was about four, so laid off him for a bit. Unless it’s Halloween I would not permit anyone over 60 months of age to wear facepaint. Only exception being wrestlers who, are totally not gay!

While I’m at it, all the so-called guys that wear ‘man-scara’, ‘guy-liner’, straighten their hair and go as far as applying foundation need to re-assess their lives and find their nuts again. YOU ARE NOT KELLY CLARKSON!!! MAN THE FUCK UP!!!!

Girl Says: Even though I’m in my mid twenties and well on my way to being a “proper” grown up, I still regularly wish I could go out with my face all painted up like a tiger or a robot without running the risk of being sectioned. Unfortunately I think face painting becomes more weird than cute from the age of about seven.

We Like Wednesdays #2

Boy Says: although it’s just two middle-class guys rambling on about themselves and the more trivial / hypothetical things in life the Adam and Joe podcast is probably my favourite thing at the moment. Pretty good for making you look like a smug, laughing asshole when you’re walking around in public.

Big British Castle / or find them on iTunes

Girl Says: Super Scrabble this week because nothing makes me more excited than knowing how much trauma I could cause someone by inflicting a motherfucking QUADRUPLE word score on their ass.

Amazon Page

Cereal for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner – Acceptable?

Boy Says: God no, unless you’re topping it up with beef jerky, bacon bits, garlic cloves and/or syrup.

Girl Says: Om nom nom nom. I LOVE cereal and would gladly eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But I also love other food too so the cerealfest love-in can only go on for about a weekend at the longest before I’m craving something else and my bowels are screaming “no more roughage!”

Who Will Win The X Factor?

Boy Says: here’s the tuppenceworth of a semi-fan. If it was based on talent and ‘The X Factor’ alone Newcastle’s favourite Thunderbird puppet look-a-like Joe seems to be the clear winner, but as the series has proven in the past, it’s all about the dumb – and fickle – ITV viewers.

I really don’t want Olly to win because I hate absolutely everything about him. His ridiculously tight trousers, stupid hats, Topshop clothes, absurd ‘dance moves’, oh-so punchable face and the fact that he always bangs on about being “one of the lads” – we fucking get it, you used to be a regular guy. Oh, almost forgot to mention he’s a pretty crap singer.

Although she’s got a cracking voice (among other things) I really don’t want Stacey the MILF to win, purely for the selfish reason that it will increase my chances of seeing her “earn a living” in mags like Nuts, Zoo or better still, Playboy! Her interviews would be worth the price alone!

Joe for me: on merit and by default.

Girl Says: Every year I say to myself “I’ll only watch the auditions, that’s the only good bit” (which is true) and every year I find myself glued to the telly every Saturday night desperate to see who’s in and who’s out. Cleverly, ITV decided to make the X Factor a two night show this year which means I’ve barely been outside at the weekend since August. Thanks ITV…NOT!

I digress… Of the three that are left (Olly Murs, Stacey Solomon and Joe McElderry), there’s a clear winner, one that’s been my favourite from the start and that’s Olly (Or Mmmmmmurs as I’ve started to call him). Don’t get me wrong, the other two are great singers but you’ve got Stacey who’s nice to look at but can hardly string a sentence together and Joe who is so sickly sweet it hurts. My favourite thing about Joe is that silly little 10 degree head tilt he does during judges comments. If it’s really good feedback it goes to 20 degrees and I fully expect that at some point he’s just going to keel over.

So there you have it. Olly to win. He’s the hottest, he’s got personality, he’s got the moves and he’s everything I could ever want in a popstar who’s albums I’m never going to buy.

We Like Wednesdays #1

Boy Says: although wearing make-up and playing fancy-dress is totally gay, I still envy this dude for having one of the most bad-ass costume ever captured on camera!!!

Click here to see my new hero

Girl Says: It’s one of the best children’s books ever. Directed by Spike Jonze. With a Karen O soundtrack. I better not be fucking disappointed!